Central American Adventure pt. I

Well it’s time for a long awaited update after a month of chaos and intrigue in Central America. We need not start from the beginning, however, as the adventure is too ridiculous to be confined to a mere timeline. A quick recap in case life finds you busy: El Salvador--Guatemala--Belize--Mexico--Guatemala--Honduras--Nicaragua--Costa Rica (currently).


Let’s start with a quick scene from Antigua, Guatemala. This is a pleasant, UNESCO preserved, colonial town with two active volcanoes towering over it. It’s also filled to the brim with gringos, but nice none the less. Bootleg DVDs are plentiful at the market and the over-eager vendors are happy to tell you their camcorder masterpieces (not all, some are copied DVDs!) are “for sure” in English. Are they? Three out of five DVDs say no. Despite a general lack of dialogue anyway, Commando still loses something in the translation (“Let off some steam!”).


Now it’s 5:30 a.m. and I’m up searching for food before the day starts (some of you who know me well have stopped believing this story already, but I swear I was up). Around the corner I hear “Leche! Leche!” (Milk! Milk!). Here comes this kid, maybe 17, with a goat practically dragging its udders on the sidewalk--and plastic cups.


Currently I am in Nicaragua, shortly on my way to Costa Rica (actually in CR now, this is old). I spent two weeks training from Antigua up to Merida, Mexico with four other trainees learning all sorts of budgeting/accounting/group dynamics/transportation logistics. Essentially all the ways I don’t get to have fun. Ergo, not fun. But I have seen some cool places nonetheless. After that they flew me down to Guatemala again so I could start shadowing another tour leader on her trip down to San Jose, Costa Rica. That means it’s Dawna (leader), me and 14 passengers. My role is generally to observe and hang out and see how things work, but of course that would have been too easy. As I will explain later, this group is not easily (if at all) appeased.


Now what story of my travels would be complete without a trip to the hospital? That’s right! I nearly beat my Las Vegas record for shortest time spent traveling before a doctor’s visit. Central America was a 3:2 favorite. So close. We’ll avoid details, but suffice as to say there were intestinal issues. This resulted in me going to a laboratory in Antigua to drop some things off, then taking the results all the way across town to a doctor’s office to find out not only did I have amoebas, but a bacterial infection as well. How lucky am I!? About $75 later I had drugs and abandoned training for the day, feeling like death in my hotel bed. And then there was rumbling. I assume I’ve taken a major turn for the worse, except that my lamp is walking itself off the nightstand. Earthquake!! I’m from Iowa. My only experience with earthquakes is from Saved by the Bell when leather-jacket clad Tori (who showed up for one season when Tiffani Thiessen thought she was too good for Saturday morning television) has an earthquake-induced panic attack. With the memory of this, I choose not to have said panic attack, but make my way to the door frame (‘cause that’s what you do, yeah?) only to watch the maids continue to sweep and mop outside while the ceramic floor churned below them. No damage done, but a 6.8 with an epicenter about 100km (60miles) away.


I spent the first week down here visiting Melanie in El Salvador. I managed to make it nearly end to end since she is on the far eastern side and I had to head in the opposite direction to Guatemala afterward. This brought some confusion in the airport at Salvadoran customs when I was trying to explain what I was doing down here and why I didn’t have an onward ticket. When I explained I was visiting my fiancee in Morazán (east) he looked confused and said, “But Guatemala is the opposite way. Not so close.” Thanks, buddy, I know. We spent two nights in San Salvador, which as far as I remember is the first place I’ve ever been and had a really bad vibe about my safety. Not sure how many big cities I’ve visited with high crime rates--it’s in the many range--but San Sal was the first I wasn’t excited to even walk around in the daylight. Although now I’ve seen there’s plenty of that going around down here. As my shadow trainer Dawna says about everything that goes sketchy down here: It’s an adventure! So one week together, not nearly enough time. We made it to her first training site, which was rural. And I use that term loosely as it was not the same kind of rural as Ainsworth, Iowa. Cows, chickens, dogs, kittens, etc. wandering around the yard. And the latrine toilet, which was…special. Probably the last place I would want to spend “quality time” with a bout of amoebas. Somehow Melanie managed, though, for ten weeks here. The family was wonderful and very sweet despite the fact that like the rest of El Salvador I couldn’t understand a damn thing anyone was saying. This resulted in everyone speaking to Mel instead of me. Poor girl. It was also not the best way to build confidence in my Spanish and my impending job. Turns out it’s just El Salvador. Six other countries have been perfectly fine and I get complemented on my speaking all the time. I’m chalking it up to El Salvador being a mess in general. This will also be my defense against Melanie who certainly will continue to show me up in the Spanish department for the indefinite future. “No baby, I’m proud, speak your whack Spanish, it’s cute.” Meanwhile she’s learned in the two countries (Chile too) with the worst accents I’ve heard. I’m surprised I can even understand her.


The rest of the trip we visited her current site with her crazy host mother who brought home a new van she threw $2000 down for to get the inside refurnished and a new paint job. Apparently fixing the giant crack across the expanse of the windshield was a secondary matter. It does accent the sweet Thundercats logo, however. Thundercats, ho! Anyway, crazy host mom puts out creepy Salvadoran vibes despite being rather sweet most of the time. It’s hard to explain, but I wouldn’t leave her alone with my husband or 50 bucks for that matter. I got dragged around to houses and the countryside (cows, fields, forests, etc) like a show pony so everyone could meet me. I did a lot of nodding whilst still not understanding more than three words at a clip. After an incident where we visited a little old lady who runs a store nearby who claimed something about the earth being flat--or the sun rotating around the earth, I forget--I realized a big part of my problem was I understood a lot but didn’t think anyone would actually say these things.


Later we went north to Perquin, which was gorgeous and not scorching like the rest of El Salvador to that point. On the way there we (mostly I) got harassed by some glue sniffing kid covered in pink spray paint. Melanie says I engaged him, so it was my fault. I say he was on my hip, talkin crazy, playing with a hex key long enough to puncture vital organs (I like my liver, it‘s worked nicely thus far). Come to find out I’m like a magnet for cracked out Latin guys. About three paragraphs ago some guy walked into the breakfast place I’m at, passed four tables to come directly to mine and give me several minutes of a very animated Scarface impression. He kept telling me not to be angry while trying to shake my hand. Not angry buddy, I said, just confused why you’re so excited. But I digress. Perquin was great, we had out own little cabin in a kind of cheesy, but enjoyable hotel. We did enter the room to find to gigantic cockroaches. Mel thrust her flip flop at me and told me to get to work. I told her I didn’t think that was going to cut it. They were huge! I think one of them had a knife. I considered handing over my wallet, but instead smashed him in a fantastic explosion of bug parts. “Huzzah to you, Jurassic cockroach!” I said secretly to myself.


Switching gears, there were goodbyes, etc. Went through office training and now I’m in a van traveling from the Honduran/Nicaraguan border toward Leon, Nicaragua. Our driver decided to take a different border than normal for whatever reason that resulted in the systematic demise of group dynamics for this trip. First--it took two hours there despite almost zero other people. Our pax (passengers) in the van waiting for us were not pleased. Most of the time was spent with Dawna and I traveling through each window with everyone’s passport trying to pay all the fees while our driver negotiated with the police about his license, insurance and everything. Finally we’re in the van about to get past. We get stopped again and our driver has to get out and fill out more paperwork despite telling them he just did it all with the police. He got charged for “Nicaraguan insurance” despite the fact he already had insurance for ALL of Central America. The border officials took this opportunity to try and charge Dawna more money for exit fees. Welcome to Central America!


This border also resulted in us taking another 6 hour journey on the worst road I’ve ever seen. There were more potholes than road, and I’m not exaggerating. In our 15 person van we were stuck at a snails pace navigating the holes in the road. This did not sit well with the pax. In particular the one sitting next to me in the front seat (I was in middle-front. Super uncomfortable). I can’t get specific here for work reasons, but the final straw was criticizing my music playing over the stereo and telling me to change it. I had one of those moments like in the movies where I imagined opening her door and kicking said pax into a Nicaraguan ditch. But I did not. However, I actually enjoyed this ride a lot. The view was incredible. Sun setting, rolling countryside with volcanoes in the background and really, when else would you ever have an adventure like this? Who knows why some people can’t enjoy that aspect of a trip, such great stories to tell when you get home. For instance, we’re forced to drive so slowly that intrepid children stand on opposite sides of the road holding a rope with a flag on it. When you have to slow down so you don’t drag them below the car they try to charge a toll. Very clever if not so successful. Really, though, it’s not a whole lot different than the old 218 route to Missouri with the old couple and the toll “shack.”


The aftermath of this journey was epic. We nearly had Mutiny on the Bounty. Especially after the following day when Dawna and I got stuck trying to get back from the beach (Pacific, incredible, though it looked like a haven for riptides) to make the meeting time for volcano boarding. Fate brought a taxi of the unhappiest pax past us that we shared long enough to be screamed at in one of the more nonsensical tirades I‘ve heard. Good times.


I spent the next several days repairing group relationships and doing damage control. The cranky pax systematically isolated themselves from the group which made my life much easier. Then we had some sweet activity days. We spent a whole day visiting some artesan markets and watching pottery being made, then to Volcano Masaya (active) for a bit of a hike to the top of the crater and intense sulfur fumes. I had to drag my group off another, higher, crater later on due to very nearby lightning. Little intense. Also resulted in me sort of yelling at the two teenage park rangers. Then we did a night hike into a cave full of bats that ran under one of the dormant craters about 200 meters deep.


After two days on the island Ometepe in Lake Nicaragua with (no electricity, but a great beach) we made it to Monteverde, Costa Rica. I got to do ziplines over the rainforest canopy, about 15 in total. Some of them were 1000 ft (300m) long. It also meant I got to put on a climbing harness for the first time in 6 weeks, which made me a little anxious. Unfortunately the closest I got to climbing was playing with some carabiners. The following night in La Fortuna I drove with Dawna and the owners of an adventure guiding company to watch molten rocks cascade down Volcano Arenal. It’s crazy to watch because from far away it looks like lava, but it’s really only rocks forced up out of the crater that fall glowing red. Even from several kilometers away you can hear them falling.


If that wasn’t cool enough, I made my best attempt to OD on norepinephrine the next day. The morning was canonizing (waterfall rappelling) down three small and two very tall waterfalls. In between we had to hike through the streams and down some falls, all of which I may have enjoyed more than the actual rappelling. This was on my life goal list, so I was pretty thrilled. Then the afternoon was whitewater rafting class III rapids. I got tossed from the boat twice rather violently. The first time we all went…the second time was just me. I’m still hoping all the water I took down wasn’t full of giardia and crypto. And if that wasn’t enough, that night Dawna and I went bungee jumping. It was an artificial platform, not a cool bridge or anything. We did go at night, which added enough flair to make it worthwhile. On top of that there was a pool underneath and we had our choice to “touch the water” if we wanted. Dawna went first and I watched from above as she grazed the water with her hand and bounced a few times. To this point I was still cool as a cucumber as they say and relatively unconcerned. This continued through the entire process of strapping my ankles in right up until I was standing on the edge of the platform looking down. Undoubtedly, this was the most scared I have ever been. By the time I could start thinking about turning around they guys were already counting down from five. Next thing I knew I had let myself careen of the edge on my way to “touch the water.” Oh I touched it. Before I knew what was going on I was completely underwater from my head to my waist and then immediately ripped out, forcing water into my sinuses that I think might still be there.


I had a wicked headache the next day that was probably a combo of the jumping, water and coming down from my adrenaline high. Now I’m in San Jose, finished with training and today begins my first solo trip. I’m already battling lots of fun problems that go along with this job and lifestyle. I did manage to see Transformers (pretty good, Independence Day rip off in parts) and Fantastic Four (boring, however did see my favorite childhood comic book character on screen!). The night showings also allowed me to pass through San Jose at night to see its seedy underbelly. It’s oddly very pleasant and enjoyable during the day, but at night all that’s open are brothels, casinos and liquor stores. Trust no guy who says he’s going to Costa Rica on a “fishing trip.”


Hope this finds you all well. Impressive if you made it through this whole thing. I’ll put some photos up in a little while. Send me emails or post comments. I have no idea what’s happening with any of you. Cheers and pura vida!